Recently I read about some informal research conducted by an Australian woman who cared for patients during the last three months of their lives. She was a good listener, so the patients told her what they wished they had done differently before developing illnesses that would end their lives.
The top five regrets were as follows:
1. Wishing they had been true to themselves instead of living the way other people expected them to.
When dying, people deeply regretted failing to pursue their dreams. They regretted earlier choices that kept them from doing what they longed to do.
2. Wishing they had not worked so hard.
Among the men who were dying, all named this as one of their greatest regrets. Spending so much time for so many years at work in jobs they did not love, these men had missed opportunities to enjoy their children’s childhood years and to enjoy companionship with their wives. Some women had the same regret. In this sample, however, many of the women had been homemakers, not breadwinners, and so did not feel that they had spent too much time on paid employment.
3. Not having the courage to express their feelings.
Many of the patients in this Australian research had suppressed their emotions to avoid conflicts with other people. As a result, they had settled for mediocre lives. They had carried a lot of bitterness and resentment. As they lay dying, they wished that they had expressed their feelings and tried to do something about the things that made them unhappy.
4. Not staying in touch with friends.
Maintaining a friendship takes time and effort. Busy with their own lives, many people lose touch with formerly precious friends. In the last weeks of their lives, many of the patients deeply regretted neglecting and losing old friends.
5. Not letting themselves be happier.
This was a surprisingly common regret. People developed habits and patterns of living and got stuck there. Fearing change, they pretended that they were content. Deep inside, they wanted more silliness and laughter in their lives. Until they were dying, they did not fully realize that they could have chosen to live differently and so to feel happier.
Caring for people who were dying transformed Bronnie Ware’s life. You can read more about all this in her book, The Top Five Regrets of the Dying: A Life Transformed by the Dearly Departing.
What about you? What do you regret about the choices you have made? What do you want to change before you die?
The author, Virginia L Colin, is a Professional Family Mediator certified by the Supreme Court of Virginia. She is not an attorney or a therapist.
